Happy new year – The end of the weak rather than the end of the year

December has been a though period at a personal level, I’ve realized that was hiding my personal failure behind the success of my path. I mean, I’ve chosen this lifestyle not only because I wanted to be dedicated full time to social movements Europeans revolutions but also because I wanted to experience a yet closer experience to my God, the physical universe and it’s metaphysical consciousness.

For the social movement part, I objectively notice that I’m on the right tracks, thanks to the people around me, Abdel, my friends, my family and mainly my sisters and brothers of the Coordinadora25S who accepted me and allowed me to experience the path I had chosen.
These peoples mentioned above have truly no idea how much grateful I am, without them I would not be able to define who I am in the way I’ve chosen.

At a personal level, it has been quiet the opposite, the lack of self-discipline, the temptations, the unability to master my mind and feelings, the unability to handle my ego, led me to the darkest situation I ever experienced at a personal level. Even worst than my death wishes period during my fifteens, but no worries, I’ve no desire to end my days, I’m clear about that since years now, I know that this day will happen once I’ll have made my job here, there is no way I give up my body before my Soul decided so, I’m really curious about death but not impatient, That is not the point.

It started with the biggest error I made in my life, I had a spicy chat with my ex girlfriend at a time in which I was far away from the only woman I ever loved with all my soul, the mum of my baby, even thought we didn’t see each others for long, I realized I had no excuses, I was miserable and still feel that way… She found out few months later and kicked my ass out of her direct context, for having lied and betrayed her.

I still am unsure about the concept of judging someone for his intentions rather than his act, I mean, I have one day imagine and think how I could participate in eliminating several heads of the 1%, does it makes me guilty of terrorism for having that single thought ? I don’t think so. But I wanna be honest with myself, this behavior was shameful and the opposite of what I ever wanted. I do feel guilty, so I know that Is fits my own definition of wrong, excuses would protect my ego, however it’s time for me to expose it.

During this spicy chat, I had no idea what would be the consequences, I’ve hurted the woman I love, I’ve lost all chances to be again with her, at a time in which we were seriously considering being back together in our relationship, even with my lifestyle, this is what I loose, the most wonderful woman I ever met, but I know she will be happy without me, happier than I could ever make her, fair enough, it hurts but it’s a true feeling of unconditional love.
As an extra I also hurted myself in the worst way possible, the voice in my head disappeared, from a day to another, they were no one answering me, this voice that I feared so much at a time, that I love so much today decided to give me up. I have reacted with anger to this situation, telling my voice to fuck off that I would sort my life alone if she did’nt want to show up anymore.

A few days after, I was desperately crying for it, shooting from the inner I that I could not live anymore in the same way without it, specially not in this dark period, 15 years with it, 5 years of relationship with this inner voice, whispering eternal wisdom and unconditional love anytime I needed it, making me laugh and think, it shaped my creativity, sharpened my perception my life, built my own beliefs,  it shown me that they were different path and truth in the same experience, this voice made me who I am by creating a shift in my life, consciousness and self-definition. So many  common point between my voice and the woman I love… Scaring …

For this mistake, I lost the one I always perceived as my wife, the chances to be with her again, to be a family and the voice of the universe in my heart. For the first time in my life I wish I could get back in time, just to beat myself till unconsciousness for being so weak and stupid. I would spend all my rage beating myself to the ground till my last drop of energy for what I was about to do. I rather make a clear sign for the next time I re-perform this life, not to fuck it again, but all those consequences are a clear sign for a change needed in my behavior…

On the other side, it allowed me to be critical with myself, to give me the slap needed to do my best to fix my weaknesses, to do my best to recover the one I was long ago, a being with a natural spiritual discipline and values in actions. Recently I was blindly pretending to be someone that I was not anymore since a long time. Last time I felt the true myself was in the few last months in Barcelona and it was this state of being which empowered me to get one more step closer to my definition of who I am, taking the decision of this new lifestyle. Since then …

Instead of getting me closer, I’ve let my ego teach lesson to others without inner credibility, blinded by the proudness of having achieved this lifestyle. I have let the people admire a few thing about me and I started not to recognize my mistakes, sometimes to hide them, protecting my ego when I spent so much time and effort to rape it publicly in the past. I’m miserable when acting like this …

I have been acting, I have been an impostor on my spiritual path, the worst I could do to myself, faking who I am, lying to myself. I must keep raping my ego to protect myself from it, how ironic is that, I must keep fighting the process which made me gain individuality in order to evolve to the next level of consciousness. I had to lost all that matters in my life to realize it… I am way more weak and stupid than I could even imagine, in being full of shit, I’ve reach my unlimited potential…

So I’ve decided to impose myself self-discipline, in order to master the (natural) cycles of my human nature, Can be perceived as new year resolution for some, but the time period is only contextual, I go for a drastic rectification of my behavior to fit who I truly am and stop once for all my misplaced actions. A part of myself also claims it to be a punishment deserved for being who I was not, I don’t know how much accurate is that feeling…

Every day from now on:

– I ll dedicate half an hour in meditation and half an hour in prayer of gratitude and compassion, I know how important it is from the buddisth teachings, it develop our love and gratitude for life, it allows us to master the skill of compassion and experience oneness. Prayer not in the religious meaning, rather in the meditation meaning. Based on the muslim practice, I will 5 times a day have a gratitude meditation for the reality I am experiencing. This practice should also  redefine in the way I wish my neurons connection by the magic of neuroplasticity.

– One to two hours in skills development, reading books, practicing and learning from these exercise that are such important to m heart, Quantum Biology, animal communication, metaphysical creation of reality etc…
There where a time in my life in which I could perform miracle healing from oneness, love and compassion, I am so far away from that state of being, years away … God, how could I let myself get so lost from who I wanted to be …

– One to Two hours of physical exercise, I must start to care and learn to properly use my inner universe in order to reach the wanted impact in the outer universe, practicing Chakras healing and mastering the proper channeling of body’s raw energies

– Daily practice of mind, feelings and pain mastering, wisdom practice and development.

– Raping my ego to every mistake to make sure I and everyone around me remembers it, every time I step out of the path of who I pretend to be, acknowledging and stressing every single error to make sure people admires themselves in the reflect of my errors, and never let anyone again give a blow job to my ego by noticing my actions. I must recover myself to reach my destination, the experience of oneness.

I also decided to rule over my desires and needs for spiritual purposes,

– Cycle of fasting, 40 days fasting, 40 days eating. This part is to me also, a way of caring my inner universe and faith.

– Sexual and sentimental relationship abstinence, both for spiritual inside ( by reconverting this powerful energy into something useful ) and because without the one I love it becomes meaningless. That will also be a fight against my mind and it’s unnecessary sexual desires, it’s all about being ready and able to properly canalize this energy, not sure I am, but I’m full of rage, constructive rage against myself.

If my ego is an infection in my spiritual path, self-discipline will be my amoxicilina.

May be then after being back on track of who I am, I’ll be dign enough for my voice to talk back to me or rather saying in the proper state of being to ear it, every morning I’ll keep tell you that I love you, and may be one day, you’ll decide to answer back or I’ll be able to listen again and discover why the communication has been jammed…

I am sorry, deeply and truly again, to these around me who always pays with hurted feelings for my mistakes, you may have forgiven me, I am not yet ready to forgive myself for being the opposite of my definition those 3 last months. My learning path is taking so long time, I am sorry, everyone for being such an egoist and horrible individuality, Nashira I am sorry for being such an example, it’s all I ever wanted to avoid, but daddy is just yet to weak to be an example to follow…

Not sure you’ll read this one day Elena, but I shall thanks you (once more) for allowing me to realize it by the trigger of our last interaction, I’am sorry, I understand now that I became who I was before thanks to your love, it always empowered me to go against the flow of our social context, having your unconditional support, when I often returned it to you in the form of negative feelings and experience, I might know a lot about myself, I’m a rookie when it comes to learn from these I love. I have forgotten that I’ve created myself out of the experience of others, I did not only betrayed the people around me, I’ve betrayed myself for the sake of my ego.

Universe, I want you to be proud of my individuality again, so I can smile again when seeing my reflect in my subjective reality.I miss you, je t’aime.

I wish you all an happy new year, good luck with your resolutions !!!!!!!
Love, peace and wisdom
Julien

(the end of the weak is an freestyle hip hop performance of several discipline, one being MC VS DJ battle in which the MC must freestyle following the riddim and tempo of the DJ, like I’m trying to follow the riddim of my experiences in the tempo of who I am)

Advertisements

Fasting, spiritual starvation

Hunger for the Soul, medicine for the Body, discipline for the Mind

As a preparation for my future lifestyle without knowing it, yet, I did experience fast in my experience. Today I’ve choose to make it a part of my lifestyle.

I am not talking about, what I call the poor man’s fast, meaning the few last day of the month in which you so poor that you can’t even afford to buy a pack of rice, this fast, like millions of people I used to experienced it every months when I was in my twenties 🙂

Beginning 2012, I wanted to test my body and mind and try the practice of sungazing, which means “eating sun light” , like my friends liked to say to take the piss of me.
I’ve heard about it from a Brother, Antoine AKA Ogoch, he is the one who gave me the pulse to start to express my creativity in the streets, graffiti, tags, art etc … short period that I truly enjoyed (thanks Bro – Ogoch’s blog – ). Antoine met a guy during his trip in south america who were only eating fruit and sunlight. I then got interested in the subject and read a bit about itand discover we had solar cells like in the eyes retina, it made sense, this practice is know as pranic healing, I wanted to test it and decided to fast during 1 month, no solid food, no cigarettes, no joint, I only allowed myself a juice of fruit from time to time.

Camera 360

I must admit that at the beginning I was looking at the sun 30min in the morning going to work, I was sitting in the train going to work, sun was rising no strong enough to be able to look at it fix, perfect shinning. But then days after days less and less until I totally stopped.

The first days, I was starving, truly starving and I remember I had the 3rd day a paf on a friend cigarette at work, that was so good, it tasted food, seriously it did. People around me were not really supportive, but I had it clear, if one day I felt really wrong I’d start back to eat, not to play with my health. I was at that time 85 Kilos, after week one I had lost 5 kilos, after week 2 I had lost 10 kilos, after week 3 I had lost 15, on day 21 I split with the mum of my baby and had a dinner and a huge joint.

I did have a few joints during week 3, I think I had 3 joints, after arguing with Elena, I was unable to handle my mind to be in peace, in this period of fast and tension they were a true relieve.

Two weeks ago, we (with some friends) watch a documentary, pretty interesting about fasting, a medical point of view, being in French not everyone will be able to understand it, so I’ll quote it and use it versus my own experience of fasting, it opened my eyes on several point that I did experience but not acknowledge due to the mental barrier that I had (potential harm, destructive for the body etc …) this documentary made me realize a lot and brought back this experience to my mind and desire.

During the fifties the Dr Youri Nikolaeiv was experimenting the chemical camisole in URSS, one of his patient with mental disorder refused to eat, going against the protocol, he decided to let the nature of his patient act and did not force him to feed himself. The outcome of this “experience” was about to give birth to 40 years of extended studies on fasting, during this 40 years the doctor Nikolaeiv will study fast over 100 patients with mental disorder ( such as schizophrenia ) and heal over 8000 patients covering all sort of sickness, from stomach disease to chronic infections.

His first patient under chemical camisole, was like all his other patient, an alive ” vegetable “, after day 5 of fasting the patient open his eyes, after day 10 the patient stand up of his bed for a few steps, on day 15 the patient drank an apple juice, after 20 days, the patient had recover from his mental sickness and started a social live.

Happy_Fasting_by_azahGTA

This miraculous healing gave birth to the studies of Dr Nikolaeiv, and may be one of the greatest breakthrough in medicine these last 100 years.

Cells are embedded with our genetic memory, old from day 1 of life on earth, it has been discovered that we mammals through the cycle of evolution, gained a fasting system. This function of the body is today still in use by the penguins, when it comes to protect their eggs, the male will sit for a period of 4 months with any food an energy source. Test has been made on rats, with the exact same bio-system, our bodies are more adapted to fast rather than daily feeding… how shocking is that ?!

This is how the body works when it is not fed anymore:

DAY1: after 24 hours the glucose stock ran out (Glucose is the principal fuel for the body)

DAY2: Genes switch cells to fast “mode”, body start to manufacture counterfeit glucose with lipids – Fat – (96%) and proteins – muscles – (4%),  the liver is converted into a factory to process the counterfake product that will feed the body.

DAY 4/5: This is know to be the hardest step, the acidose crisis,  acides from toxines raises into the blood, this is the process of desintoxication and self-feeding, digestive system shut down, sane cells enter into protective mode (which means they are shielding themselves against outer attack, sick cells loose the genetic memory and start to die of starvation). During the acidose crisis headache and other symptoms are common for 24h. The body is now feeding itself on fat stocks.

From DAY6: Senses are more sensitive, euphoria is created by the counterfeit glucose, anti-depressive effect start, 2 to 3 hours of daily exercise are recommended to make the desintoxication of the body easier, toxins start to be eliminated, sick cells dies form starvation bit after bit. There is no lack of nutriment, only some no critical loss of vitamins, compensated by the euphoric effect.

water_glass_by_cg_dj-d5g24kx

Fast can be handle by the body until 80% of the fat has been consumed, when the fat has reached 20% left, body start to use the proteins and will self consume muscles and heart, leading to death. Studies demonstrate that an adult male of 70KG and 170cm will have 15 kilos of fat stock, which is enough for 40 days of fast before even reaching the critical level. The more Fat available, the more time can be handled the fast by the body with only positive effect.

Today some medical center are dedicated to healing by fast, in Germany, URSS (where it became a cure refunded by social care system) and in USA it is use against the chimiotherapy effect, when cells are in protective mode they are protected against this medicinal poison. However it has been demonstrated that fasting eliminate the infected cells, getting rid of the cancer with a fast…

Once more, there is fight against fast made by pharmaceutical companies, no credits are allowed to study it today due to the same lobby.

Fasting is perceived as a “reboot” of the body it cleans and heal our cells thanks to a wonderful genetic function inherited from 3,5 billions years of evolution.

So I’ll be back on fasting as part of my self-discipline, to heal the universe that compose my body.

My fasting cycles will start from January 1 to february 10th, 40 days of fasting as spiritual discipline, I’ve chosen 40 due to an homeless guy who like to visit my dreams, he gave me some advice recently on my fast. It was the first dream I’ve been able to talk to him, usually I was only a witness of the dreams he joined. Sound’s crazy isn’t it ?

images-2

So from January 1st on, I’ll be on 40 days period of Fasting and 40 days period of vegetarian diet. This being a part of starting to care the inner universe which allows me to experience life. By fasting I mean water fast, were only water is taken, not what is called the Daniel’s or Christian’s fast ( where raw vegetables are allowed ), neither the Ramadan’s fast ( where food is allowed at night time and water forbidden at day ), nor juice fast ( where fruit juice are allowed ).

There is a last point that makes me think it, Moise, John the baptist, Jesus de Nazareth, Buddha, Muhammad , Elijah did all practice fasting (I’ve learnt it a few minutes searching for fasting in religions) however there is no religion that makes it mandatory. They usually tend to force their followers to practice these kind of discipline, why fasting is not included in their huge list of restriction and spiritual practice ? Medical ignorance on it’s benefits or will to avoid people to reach an higher spiritual perception ?

“Forty days to change, to grow.
Forty days of metamorphosis.
Forty days in a chrysalis, like three in a tomb,
To emerge surrounded in light, victorious.”
Unknow.