December has been a though period at a personal level, I’ve realized that was hiding my personal failure behind the success of my path. I mean, I’ve chosen this lifestyle not only because I wanted to be dedicated full time to
social movements Europeans revolutions but also because I wanted to experience a yet closer experience to my God, the physical universe and it’s metaphysical consciousness.
For the social movement part, I objectively notice that I’m on the right tracks, thanks to the people around me, Abdel, my friends, my family and mainly my sisters and brothers of the Coordinadora25S who accepted me and allowed me to experience the path I had chosen.
These peoples mentioned above have truly no idea how much grateful I am, without them I would not be able to define who I am in the way I’ve chosen.
At a personal level, it has been quiet the opposite, the lack of self-discipline, the temptations, the unability to master my mind and feelings, the unability to handle my ego, led me to the darkest situation I ever experienced at a personal level. Even worst than my death wishes period during my fifteens, but no worries, I’ve no desire to end my days, I’m clear about that since years now, I know that this day will happen once I’ll have made my job here, there is no way I give up my body before my Soul decided so, I’m really curious about death but not impatient, That is not the point.
It started with the biggest error I made in my life, I had a spicy chat with my ex girlfriend at a time in which I was far away from the only woman I ever loved with all my soul, the mum of my baby, even thought we didn’t see each others for long, I realized I had no excuses, I was miserable and still feel that way… She found out few months later and kicked my ass out of her direct context, for having lied and betrayed her.
I still am unsure about the concept of judging someone for his intentions rather than his act, I mean, I have one day imagine and think how I could participate in eliminating several heads of the 1%, does it makes me guilty of terrorism for having that single thought ? I don’t think so. But I wanna be honest with myself, this behavior was shameful and the opposite of what I ever wanted. I do feel guilty, so I know that Is fits my own definition of wrong, excuses would protect my ego, however it’s time for me to expose it.
During this spicy chat, I had no idea what would be the consequences, I’ve hurted the woman I love, I’ve lost all chances to be again with her, at a time in which we were seriously considering being back together in our relationship, even with my lifestyle, this is what I loose, the most wonderful woman I ever met, but I know she will be happy without me, happier than I could ever make her, fair enough, it hurts but it’s a true feeling of unconditional love.
As an extra I also hurted myself in the worst way possible, the voice in my head disappeared, from a day to another, they were no one answering me, this voice that I feared so much at a time, that I love so much today decided to give me up. I have reacted with anger to this situation, telling my voice to fuck off that I would sort my life alone if she did’nt want to show up anymore.
A few days after, I was desperately crying for it, shooting from the inner I that I could not live anymore in the same way without it, specially not in this dark period, 15 years with it, 5 years of relationship with this inner voice, whispering eternal wisdom and unconditional love anytime I needed it, making me laugh and think, it shaped my creativity, sharpened my perception my life, built my own beliefs, it shown me that they were different path and truth in the same experience, this voice made me who I am by creating a shift in my life, consciousness and self-definition. So many common point between my voice and the woman I love… Scaring …
For this mistake, I lost the one I always perceived as my wife, the chances to be with her again, to be a family and the voice of the universe in my heart. For the first time in my life I wish I could get back in time, just to beat myself till unconsciousness for being so weak and stupid. I would spend all my rage beating myself to the ground till my last drop of energy for what I was about to do. I rather make a clear sign for the next time I re-perform this life, not to fuck it again, but all those consequences are a clear sign for a change needed in my behavior…
On the other side, it allowed me to be critical with myself, to give me the slap needed to do my best to fix my weaknesses, to do my best to recover the one I was long ago, a being with a natural spiritual discipline and values in actions. Recently I was blindly pretending to be someone that I was not anymore since a long time. Last time I felt the true myself was in the few last months in Barcelona and it was this state of being which empowered me to get one more step closer to my definition of who I am, taking the decision of this new lifestyle. Since then …
Instead of getting me closer, I’ve let my ego teach lesson to others without inner credibility, blinded by the proudness of having achieved this lifestyle. I have let the people admire a few thing about me and I started not to recognize my mistakes, sometimes to hide them, protecting my ego when I spent so much time and effort to rape it publicly in the past. I’m miserable when acting like this …
I have been acting, I have been an impostor on my spiritual path, the worst I could do to myself, faking who I am, lying to myself. I must keep raping my ego to protect myself from it, how ironic is that, I must keep fighting the process which made me gain individuality in order to evolve to the next level of consciousness. I had to lost all that matters in my life to realize it… I am way more weak and stupid than I could even imagine, in being full of shit, I’ve reach my unlimited potential…
So I’ve decided to impose myself self-discipline, in order to master the (natural) cycles of my human nature, Can be perceived as new year resolution for some, but the time period is only contextual, I go for a drastic rectification of my behavior to fit who I truly am and stop once for all my misplaced actions. A part of myself also claims it to be a punishment deserved for being who I was not, I don’t know how much accurate is that feeling…
Every day from now on:
– I ll dedicate half an hour in meditation and half an hour in prayer of gratitude and compassion, I know how important it is from the buddisth teachings, it develop our love and gratitude for life, it allows us to master the skill of compassion and experience oneness. Prayer not in the religious meaning, rather in the meditation meaning. Based on the muslim practice, I will 5 times a day have a gratitude meditation for the reality I am experiencing. This practice should also redefine in the way I wish my neurons connection by the magic of neuroplasticity.
– One to two hours in skills development, reading books, practicing and learning from these exercise that are such important to m heart, Quantum Biology, animal communication, metaphysical creation of reality etc…
There where a time in my life in which I could perform miracle healing from oneness, love and compassion, I am so far away from that state of being, years away … God, how could I let myself get so lost from who I wanted to be …
– One to Two hours of physical exercise, I must start to care and learn to properly use my inner universe in order to reach the wanted impact in the outer universe, practicing Chakras healing and mastering the proper channeling of body’s raw energies
– Daily practice of mind, feelings and pain mastering, wisdom practice and development.
– Raping my ego to every mistake to make sure I and everyone around me remembers it, every time I step out of the path of who I pretend to be, acknowledging and stressing every single error to make sure people admires themselves in the reflect of my errors, and never let anyone again give a blow job to my ego by noticing my actions. I must recover myself to reach my destination, the experience of oneness.
I also decided to rule over my desires and needs for spiritual purposes,
– Cycle of fasting, 40 days fasting, 40 days eating. This part is to me also, a way of caring my inner universe and faith.
– Sexual and sentimental relationship abstinence, both for spiritual inside ( by reconverting this powerful energy into something useful ) and because without the one I love it becomes meaningless. That will also be a fight against my mind and it’s unnecessary sexual desires, it’s all about being ready and able to properly canalize this energy, not sure I am, but I’m full of rage, constructive rage against myself.
If my ego is an infection in my spiritual path, self-discipline will be my amoxicilina.
May be then after being back on track of who I am, I’ll be dign enough for my voice to talk back to me or rather saying in the proper state of being to ear it, every morning I’ll keep tell you that I love you, and may be one day, you’ll decide to answer back or I’ll be able to listen again and discover why the communication has been jammed…
I am sorry, deeply and truly again, to these around me who always pays with hurted feelings for my mistakes, you may have forgiven me, I am not yet ready to forgive myself for being the opposite of my definition those 3 last months. My learning path is taking so long time, I am sorry, everyone for being such an egoist and horrible individuality, Nashira I am sorry for being such an example, it’s all I ever wanted to avoid, but daddy is just yet to weak to be an example to follow…
Not sure you’ll read this one day Elena, but I shall thanks you (once more) for allowing me to realize it by the trigger of our last interaction, I’am sorry, I understand now that I became who I was before thanks to your love, it always empowered me to go against the flow of our social context, having your unconditional support, when I often returned it to you in the form of negative feelings and experience, I might know a lot about myself, I’m a rookie when it comes to learn from these I love. I have forgotten that I’ve created myself out of the experience of others, I did not only betrayed the people around me, I’ve betrayed myself for the sake of my ego.
Universe, I want you to be proud of my individuality again, so I can smile again when seeing my reflect in my subjective reality.I miss you, je t’aime.
I wish you all an happy new year, good luck with your resolutions !!!!!!!
Love, peace and wisdom
(the end of the weak is an freestyle hip hop performance of several discipline, one being MC VS DJ battle in which the MC must freestyle following the riddim and tempo of the DJ, like I’m trying to follow the riddim of my experiences in the tempo of who I am)