My Believes, my Faith and I – (Part2)
“ I love you too “ is the answer the little voice in my heart always gives me when expressing my love, a few words and a huge feeling overwhelming all my body, a caress into my inner self, a metaphysical hug. This is what the little voice in my heart, produce.
The little voice embedded.
Some calls it conscience, some calls it imagination, most of the people I shared this experience with, admitted (timidely for most) to have this little voice, represented as the little angel and the little devil on the shoulder in some cartoons or movies, this little voice has been with me since the age of 5 or 6 years old.
I clearly remember talking to this voice, and actually having discussion with this voice. I remember playing a game called “ Cap ou pas Cap “ during childhood, a common game among the children of my generation “Capable or not”, I do too remember having sometimes challenge with this little voice on this game, one day it was “ Capable or not to jump over an obstacle ”, this is one of the earliest memory I have of this age with this little voice in my heart.
Then I have no clear experience of it (only fuzzy memories, potentially created by the brain, a so unreliable source of experience) until the age of 15 years old, a rude part of my life in which I tried to end my days, an experience that allowed me to understand the pain of some people to live, so much pain that death becomes a potential relieve of it, it allowed me to develop compassion and love, and not to judge as weak a person that has not the will to live anymore.
My biggest attempt to end my days has been by taking the pills doctor gave me for depression and nervous state, I had a bottle full of whisky and lexomill, ready to get “drunk as hell” but before taking it, I have written a good bye letter, while writting it, I remember a clear experience with that voice inside me. One specific sentence of a few minutes discussion was “ You can not die if you do not truly wish so”, I did wish so and so I drank over the bottle and a suffisant amount of pills (The box).
I badly wanted to die as a mind, but I did not understand the true meaning of that single sentence, I could indeed not die without my Soul agreeing with the act.
I drank the alcohol, took the pills, lay down on my bed, waiting for the moment to relieve pain of my physical existence.
I woked up in an hospital, I ve been told that I myself called an ambulance, but have sincerely no memory of it, I do not remember everything after laying down in my bed.
I then had so much anger against God ( As a general term, I had no spiritual experience at that age to have my own definition of the concept, but I always felt since ever some kind of somethingy, never a single doubt about what I was feeling, however full of doubt about what to think ).
I then decided to become an asshole, I wanted to hurt people and spray sadness as a vengeance for living a life I hate, for the life to have let me waking up from this experience, I then converted my sadness into rage, rage against life and the creator of it . I might had no spiritual experience at that time, but again since I am in this body I never had doubt that they were something somewhat higher, this is something I always felt deep inside me.
At the age of 18 years old, I got a tatoo of a Devil´s tale poping out my vertebral column, going around my leg. I wasn´t satanic at all, I just hated God and all it meant. I hated life, I hated myself, I hated the world.
At around 22 years old, I went back into another hard depressive state, I found myself several times layed down in my bed crying alone, I was living several thousand kilometers of the people I knew and love, I had chosen to go to live in China, I then felt in Love with a wonderful person, to then discover few months after that she was an escort girl and had several regular customers across the city. This literally destroyed me, it raped my ego with such a violence that it destroyed all my self-confidence, my heart broke into pieces and my moral reach a point even deeper that I never experienced.
In a desperate call to the universe, alone in my bed, crying all the tears of my body I asked why, what I had done to deserve this, I naturally (like if it was a natural function embedded in my body, in which I was turning to when I believed no one would understand me, or they would judge or laugh at me, I’ve realized that it is when you alone or believe to be alone in your desperation that you are the closer to this inner function)
I was then asking to “God” (again no spiritual or religious meaning at that time period of my life, just some kind of last chance prayer with no expectation of the result) why did he choose me for all this pain, what I have done to deserve it (funny enough when reading the above) and I have been answered by this little voice, in words so clear and so peaceful, I was alone in this war against the Life. That was the answer I received.
I have been demonstrated with concrete examples that what was in my reality was the creation of my choices in life, this voice out of nowhere in my head always came with a warm feeling of love and peace, I asked this voice who it was, this voice answered me “ What you define, but in a much more evolve and profund form that you can even imagine “, I answered I love you, I had the first time this magical feeling of Love and the “I love you too” answer, I stop crying, I smiled and for a few days starting to think about this half an hour conversation I had with this voice out of nowhere.
With my suicide attempt few years before, I started to fear schizophrenia. I believed it was schizo sickness, I was so affraid, it didn´t make any sense, so I rejected any further interaction of this nature, it was a sickness that I didn´t need to expose to my outer world and there were no way I go to consult a doctor for this, life was though on me, from my perception…. I really didn´t need another personality in my head… I could not even handle one …
On the other side, I needed to share this experience, so I´ve talked about it with the Girl I was referring too above, we were not together anymore, it was easier and after what happened I didn´t fear the judgment that she could exprime, I expected the natural, that she laugh at me.
She did not, she (so naturally) asked me “ What God is telling you ?” I was so surprised, such an unexpected answer, I answered her “ God is telling me to follow my heart, and my heart loves you “.
We did not went back together, but it has been a great experience, my first spiritual experience, that I of course did not accept and keep blocking any contact of this form, when I did not initiate it (in my darkest times).
I still from time to time when life was though on me, called up upon for a talk and a few question, because it felt wonderfully good, but as well horribly scaring, this is not something I had heard about in my context before, in my perception I was different, I was scared of it not for what I believed it was, but for the meaning it had, mental fucked-upness.
The next and most important experience with this voice was at my 25 years old, I just lost my job, my girlfriend, had no income, but felt incredibly fine given the situation, I was more mature and able to handle shit of life with a certain serenity, at that time I saw a Youtube documentary that I do not remember at all the title, about intuitive writing, wasn´t interesting, but one of the guy that had written a book, said something like “ I am just taking notes of what the voice in my head says “ , I then was shocked, it was the first time I heard someone saying such a thing, I then had a violent feeling inside my body when thinking back of the moment describes above, the fact not to be alone anymore (in my perception) has waken up inside me the spiritual starvation that is feeding my life today.
I then called the voice again and had a 3 days discussion, didn´t do anything from my days but basics needs and talking with the little voice, from the moment I stopped to fear it, to pretend it was not here, it started to reveal itself, simply answering my questions in concept so clear that I could not be confused, always with a feeling in my body,
Again I asked this voice what it was, it answered Imagination, Conscience.
I Still didn´t understand how could the Universe talk to me, the answer was just too simple to believe, all people are special enough, it´s a matter of who listen and who doesn´t, who acknowledges and who ignores the communication.
The Universe communicate with all beings, in thousand of different manners, using any ways, it´s a matter of being aware of it,
This 3 days conversation gave me all the concepts that I needed to start another kind of life, I felt like I had literally downloaded concept from the Universe database, with the user manual, Understanding of a concept has to be experienced to become knowing.
It took me several years, thousand of failure to reach who I am today, I dedicate my experience time on earth to convert this understanding into knowing, from a thought to an action, this is the importance of the harmony between thoughts, words and actions that I tend to preach,
Today I´m nearly 30 years old, accepting this voice has been one of the greatest thing that happened in my life, I ll come back to it during the posts of the blog from time to time, I am comfortable with the label of an Imagination that can explain me the concept of universe in terms that I have never used or consciently heard before, we all have that little voice inside us, the mind of the heart, the voice to who we speak in our deepest or hardest experience, naturally embedded in our body, a way for the Universe to insure that none of his spiritual children will ever feel alone in this big body.
There is not a form of life that does not deserve the love, care and light of the Universe, and so I like any other being, was special enough to receive his/her/it love.
For the same reason as the guy in the video, I share this experience with my little voice, and to make sure my baby girl never doubt that she is worth the love of the biggest heart and the light of the clearest wisedom.
Thank you Salma for pushing me to write in this matter, I hope I’ve answered some of your question, I hope I could have helped anyone as that guy in the documentary did, sadly I can’t remember his name, I was focused on the experience not the context. I hope someday I ll be able to tell you how much I love and thanks you wise american guy, you changed my life 🙂
Love you little voice.
Love you people.