There are states of being which makes me feel invicible, such states of beign are supreme faith, absolut love, or unbearable emotional suffering, these makes me feel like I could stand in front of a train and see what the universe would sort out.
It has being so long since I feel no love, my faith has dissapeared with my will and yet I am watching the trains passing by, understanding how miserable I am, thinking how easy that way would be. remembering the bushido’s honorable way to end the pain gangrening one’s soul.
If it wasnt for you I’d have given up long ago, like i did in the past, shamelessly, hopelessly and fearlessly but you are what the universe sorted out for me, to keep me away from that sweet, tender, delicious thought of eternal peace.
How ironical is that, when what keeps you breathing is the feeling of guilt toward another soul, well when saying keeping me alive, I mean merely maintain me on my knees, like a chain tying this body to the tree of life, with the only hope that someday the Karma would present itself with his karmic chainsaw.
My beloved Nashira, never give me up please, do your best to keep loving me, cause if one day I’d lost your love, that would turn the bitter heaven in which I only am an humble servant to a sweet hell in which I’d without a doubt take a malicious pleasure to submit with all the might of my pain, anger and rage, without being limited by the barricade of examplarity, and love towards all being, I would unleash all the suffering that I have come over, that would be the opposite path of the one I am trying to maintain my poor being on.
because the universe cornered me between pain and suffering and pressure me with all his strengh to keep me into it, the only reason I hold strong in that corner and take the heat
as much as i can, silentely, like I did most of my time on earth, this reason is your presence in this world my sweet beautifull daughter.
Wise beings knows that you shall not push too hard on a desesperate fool without first, building him a golden bridge to retreat across, but the bridge was no gold and has been taken down,the boats burned to ash, since I reach the coast, it has been made clear to me that they were no way back.
I am now swiming my way back, each waves makes my body weaker and my mind loosing hope from sight, the more the waves comes, the less I can breathe and finally, once my soul has gone, it ressusitate me and I find myself on the same coast, the more I try, the less I can swim.
So I smoke trees of weed hardly trying to blind myself, with no result apart of redding my eyes, my world wanted me to find a job in society when I had a role to play in it,
my world wanted me to get rich, when I was among the richest in etical and moral values, I am now selling my soul to buy myself the life they wanted,
my world wanted me to fit into the box that has been designed for me, but in the box only my body can fit, my Soul, my mind, my dreams have no room left in their box.
But to please them, to relieve the pain of my heart in not pleasing those who loves me, I am on it.
I never could have imagine that living in such a world with an asset of untouchable etics would be so hard, I have to get used to it, yet, I am on it.
If I knew about that, I would have stayed in the dark side of morality, the one that allows you to crush any other being for the sake of yourself and your over-God-ego, I am on it…
I used to feed my heart with unconditional love towards each being I crossed in my path, I am now taking MDMA to heal the injuries of my heart, but when the high wores off, sorrow get back his crown.
I used to grow my body wth physical exortion in each action, I am now taking cocaine to forget the pain of life, and yet everyday I cry blood,
I used to focus my mind on piety, I am now protecting myself from faith with an alcohol firewall, drawning each once of dream in a glass of rum,like what I envision for my soul get drawn in tears,
this is the price I have to pay to accept life as I deserve, my pain is so deep and strong, the hardest drugs makes the pain supportable but never vanishes.
Being with you is The only drug I love and assume, but is the only drug that I can’t reach nor afford, sadly unlike human laws, I have no clearance anymore to violate the universes ones…
This is how I end up poisonoing my mind and damaging my integrity with the pleasures of a world that I can not accept as far as I am able to stand still and fight, But I now have to retreat, when I prayed the universe for a graceful retreat in an outstanding last breathe, all I am left now with is disgrace, disgrace from God, Disgrace from your mum that I loved, disgrace from my humans fellows.
So, here i am, watching the being I hate most in this world in a total agony, as a penitence for his failures, An allegiance to sadness and sorrow for a life that is not wished anymore, for a life that became unproductive, for a life that is intended for another version of who I am, and so with no etical or moral principles being stepped over, I am ironicaly witnessing this magnificient show of self-deception and destruction.
I am now with an incredible pleasure and will, damaging this body and condaming my soul to damnation for the causes of their world, this is something I always did as far as I remember, when being in pain, creating yet more pain. A painfull experience usually end with a painfull scar in the mind, I then compense this pain with a physical one, that helps me to relieve the heart.
Since now in my life, I had never touched to thoses things they call “pleasures”, “drugs” or “medicine” it truly digust me, repulse me, makes me hate myself more than those who hates me are able to, but it is what drugs are intended for.
To make sure people like me would rather get high to forget about their life, than get on the battlefield of dignity to change it. Now I am tired to fight for a world that gives no shit of itself,
tired to be sad for people who stab my heart, tired to carry the misery of the world on my shoulder, tired, tired, tired, I just wanna rest and preferably, in peace. I might look strong physically, but Nashira, do not get abused by this illusion, all my weaknesses lies in my emotions, in my behavior, my weakness is located in my chest, on the same side the hand I use to write, I wished I could rip it off my chest and makes fuckin God eat it, sadly, for this too I carry no warrant.
Do not trust others when they will talk about your father, most of them have spend the 20 first years of my life telling me I was unable, retarded,too stupid for this, too dumb for that etc… The world made me believe that being left-handed was a disease, it insured me I wasn’t fit to satisfy evolution, because my intelectual and physical skills were way too under average, I wasn’t part of the Darwin plan if you listen to the world. I am not saying they are wrong, but since now 15 years they only can speculate on what I want them to, they can only see throught what I wish to be transparent, they know not the truth, they do not know me, not even those who raised me, not even those who are the closest to me, they have no idea of what I have done and not done, of what I have failed and succeed, what I accomplished and what I have reached, so do not listen to them, they will give you the picture they wanted of me, which, is nothing but an illusion that have grown in their mind. I trained hard to master nearly any word and action I have and yet they believe this reflection of myself is who I am, when I only adapt my behavior to theirs, keeping mastery over what I project of myself, this is how much this world knows me, they wanted me to have what they wished for me, and yet I still believe some of them to love me with a profound sincerity, they just are ignorant on what please my soul.
From there, do not listen any words of what they will say, I have no secret with you, since you are born I lie not to you and tells you everything, you 4 years old and yet you are the only one on that planet that hold so much knowledge of who I am, I have spend so many hours telling you all my secrets, I am an open book of experience that has been written for you to learn from it. People,
They surely will tell you I was a great fighter, when I won no battle,
They surely will tell you I walked this world in dignity when I was offering my hand for charity when not selling my being and time like a dirty capitalist slutty-sheep
They surely will tell you I was a social being, when I enjoy and lived in profound social seclusion as much as I could,
they surely will tell you I was someone living in love, when I have hurted each being that had the misfortune to offer me their love,
They surely will tell you I was a man of the universe, or a man of God, when I spend most time on my time on earth in disagreement and arguing with it, insulting and blaspheming it,
They surely will tell you I was an honest being, when I have abuse nearly each companies that employed me and stolen from people surrounding me in some remote experiences,
They surely will tell you I was still as a mountain in my convictions, when at every battle lost, I was crushed to willingless,
They surely will tell you I was a great father, when they take out my rights upon you when, yet you had not reach the age of two,
They surely will tell you I was a man of honor, when I spend most of my spiritual life to show people how unworthy and disgracious I was, and yet so far they inderstood shit
They surely will tell you I was a smiling clown, when I always have been a sad fool,
They surely will tell you that some people idolizes me for what I have done, when I tried my best for people not even remembering my name or knowing the day I was born, at the cost at not celebrating any of my birthdays with you,
Which is something you will have to understand my love, I have born at the sametime the universe did, and so far this life in this body deserve no recognition, no party, no celebration, the only thing it deserve is to be sacrified for martyrdom, but this is reserved to the greatest people, it’s an outbound ticket that I can not afford neither, being disgraced, I sahll be condamn to pain and bed as the last one way trip. I do have respect for this body that isn’t mine but the accumulation of trillions of livings and individuals entities, I wont deliberatly end the universe that his my body, so be insurred I wont willingly leave you on that world without my presence, however I do pray the universe everyday to relieve that pain, like I use to do at every christams when people asked me what I Wanted as a gift, I , for decades, had the same answer in my head, I want to die. They will tell you so many bullshit all over your life, and sadly you will believe many of them, they have started well making you believe santa claus delivered gift to you because you were good, that’s blackmail and adults who are today blackmailing you with christams, will tomorrow teach you no to do it, this is what adults does, they lies to child and then teach them not to do so, and yet they will thell you that’s for your good
, when it happens, tell them ” My dad told me that you should go fuck yourself” and do your best not to let anyone tell you who I was, no one on this planet is more knoweldegable about me than you are.
You see, I am surrounded with so many people that I love and believe they love me, relationship with them that I cherish and bless, but apart you and the universe, there is no one with whom I can
let my heart speak, cry, scream or bleed through the words, no one with whom I can share my fears my doubts, like I used to do with your mum,
no one to hug me when I feel down, like you so perfectcly know how to do,
no one with whom I can share my path, my anger, my laughs, to temper the flame of my passion, to cheer me up when I am stroke by the hand of karma,no one with whom I can talk with no fear of judgement or misunderstanding I found no ears apart of yours. This is how much you know me my love.
My beloved Nashira, try your best to study my case with mercy, try your best not to hate me too hard, cause as a father, I am as good as a human, a worthless and weak piece of shit, with no offense intended to the (real) pieces of shit.
I beg you, never did like I did, if you one day meet eternity, do not wake up, when I did I realised it was all a dream, the sky was falling upon my head, I have been so closed of my dreams that I could feel them, I have rise my being to a level I would not even dare to dream of, but I abandonned it all one day by love, love for someone who saw as natural the second brutal change of my life in a very short years timelapse, one day the universe asked me if I was ready to give up on everything I had to meet my faith, I answered yes, a few years after I was back with everything, and the might of Karma has come upon my faith to complish with the rules. I have lost your mum, I have lost you from sight, I wont see you before months, I have lost my faith, I have lost my fight, I have lost my dignity, my examplarity, my message, my values, I now am a shell, an empty shell, that is now asking for a job to live and begging for rest.
Never forget what you should not forget, you know what I mean, knows that even when I will not be of this world anymore, you ll just have to call upon my name and I shall answer, meanwhile, I am engaging all the energies I am able to, to rest. And if you think it sad, that I think and talk this way, then your are like all the others, you have no idea what pleases my soul, you only can see what pleases yours.
Worry not for when I shall be at rest, God is awake.